***Note this does not include relationships where there is active physical or emotional harm or abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship please reach out to a qualified mental health professional for help. ****

We all want the fairy tale wedding and the happily ever after that we were promised as children but how do we get it? There are the expectations that if we marry the right person, things will be easy and life will be wonderful. But what happens after the honeymoon, when we have children, illness or anything that life throws at us? We must be willing to put in the work to have a happy and lasting marriage. It may look like everyone else is living in bliss, while we are barely speaking to one another, most of the time this is not the case. 

What can I do today to change my marriage?

1. Take a small step toward connection. Do something small for your partner, even if you don’t feel like it. It can be as small as making them a cup of coffee in the morning, telling them they look nice before dinner, a kiss goodbye or a nice unsolicited text. 

2. Do not expect anything back, just go about your day. While this may be difficult, if things aren’t going well, often it is the small things that lead us back to a happier marriage. Our marriage is like a bank account, we must deposit more than we withdraw. Also, there must be a savings account built up for us to make it through the difficult times. 

3. Think of three things that you admire or respect about your partner. If you are unable to do this then think about what you admired in the past. If we practice thinking about the good things our partner has to offer, we are less likely to focus on their negative attributes. 

Why not just get a divorce?

While getting a divorce might seem like the easiest way to get out of a bad marriage, most times we will make the same mistakes the next time around. It is easy to look at our partner and name all of the things they need to improve and how someone else might treat us better. No one will care about your child’s first step like your partner will. Try and imagine all the significant events and holidays without your family together. Research shows that married people live longer, have more money and even more sex than single people (Swaity, 2010). We are in charge of our own happiness, not our partner. Marriage is hard but so is life and there are things you can do to make things better without leaving.

How can I get what I need out of this deal?

Be direct. Ask your partner for what you need in your marriage while showing respect. Often, we think our partner should know what we need, when we need it and why we need it.   Actually many times, they have no idea. We are in charge of our own happiness and seeing that our needs are being met. Marriage is similar to having employees; the more respected, valued, heard, and appreciated our partner feels, the more they will want to give in return. If you leave this deal (your marriage), without giving everything you have to make it work, you will soon be doing it for someone else, so why not try now! 

Thanks for being here,

Teresa Terry, LPC

 

References

Swaity, S. (2010, November 19). Ten great reasons not to get a divorce. PairedLife. Retrieved September 5, 2022, from https://pairedlife.com/relationships/Ten-Reasons-Not-to-Get-a-Divorce 

McPhail, J. (2020, October 11). John Gottman's seven principles for making marriage work - A summary. WEquil. Retrieved September 5, 2022, from https://www.wequil.com/post/gottman